I have a habit in my life of learning some pretty big lessons all at once. I think what is really is is that I wake up and start to pay attention. With my little miss now well on her way to a successful school experience, and life leveling out, I started to think I don't feel so great.
Well I ended up in hospital with pain, and then another 5 tests more and a specific request for testing for me, and we have a diagnosis.
My life gave me a break to finally take care of myself, and a good thing to. I cannot say how greatful I am to my family and friends who helped me over the last little while. I am learning the older I get that I have a tight group of pals that stick by me, are really present in my daily life and for that I am greatful.
I am on the way to a healthier me, doing healthier things and being in the moment in my life, with those I love.. so it is very likely this is my last post for a little while, but I will be back.. the blog world is a comfortable place to be , but for now a journal, a good pal and my wonderful family are all I need to share with right now..
Thanks to the 11 faithful followers.. I will be back likely around christmas time.. but I have a few adventures to take care of first!
Happy thoughts
Melanie
27.9.12
Everyday Miracles
It amazes me the wonderful things that can happen in a day, and we don't see them. I was reminded today by a facebook page I follow a beautiful mess inside that everyday miracles are awesome. When I was a little girl my family said I saw the world through rose coloured glasses. It must have been all the folk music, and john lennon love around me, but I did. I did see (and still try to) the good in everyone before I see the not so good. I always believed that my family meant I was "slow" or "naive", and for my age at points I probably was. But I was open to people and experiences in a different way then they experienced the world.
At times I have lost sight of the amazing things you can make happen in your life and witnessing everyday ones, how much benfit it can be to you or others. Sometimes you just need to be present in a moment to see them.
I still expect miracles to happen, I forget sometimes, but I never have been all that different. Life is full of amazing things, you just have to open your eyes to them.
Instead of having my head down looking at my phone today I expect to see these everyday miracles...
At times I have lost sight of the amazing things you can make happen in your life and witnessing everyday ones, how much benfit it can be to you or others. Sometimes you just need to be present in a moment to see them.
I still expect miracles to happen, I forget sometimes, but I never have been all that different. Life is full of amazing things, you just have to open your eyes to them.
Instead of having my head down looking at my phone today I expect to see these everyday miracles...
- The smile on a strangers face as she/he watches a child with their parent (TTC is a good place for this)
- Someone dancing to the beat they hear , all by themselves.
- Someone talking and engaging a person who needs the attention and time. (College Street and Young is good for catching a glimpse of this - there are some really fantastic individuals who live on the street and spend some time in this area)
- Seeing the last of the summer flowers bright in the sun, even with the cool crisp air of fall in the air.
- Getting a call from a family member or a friend that moment I think of them.
15.8.12
Accepting ADHD and all the quirks of a superior IQ.
It was been 8 months since we had our suspicions confirmed that Emma has ADHD, and a very high IQ (seriously who knew the issues this could bring!). She also has the signs of Dyslexia.(is not formally diagnosed as yet because of age, but academic testing shows the discrepancy - but I already knew this, because I have it, and long ago suspected as she had very early signs and very early frustrations)
Emma is at the very core of who she is very loving, very sweet, very smart and very much loved. She was also a very , very , very good baby. And then she turned two , and all of a sudden this spitfire came out.. and she would have moments that were horrible, sensory explosions, avoidance of food and textures and sounds. (I still forget this sometimes now that we have seen some of benefits of all that work she as done, and head off to 3D movies..argh! ) The frustration would overwhelm her and she would lash out at the closest person or thing, at first it just seemed like assertiveness, and then it looked like bullying, now well now we understand the social awkwardness and the struggle to help her through it when it gets really tough for her. It does feel like fighting sometimes, and it is exhausting. Especially because when what everyone else caught glimpses of looked like we were easy parents who couldn't control our kids tantrums. AND everyone has advice for that!
Diagnosis young is key, we knew this, but it doesn't make you want to run out and get one, in fact in our case it meant we were going to fight "it" and each other (not knowing what "it" really was) and we were going to make "it" go away, because of course everyone said she is fine. (But of course not her teachers or all the kids who got a good bite out of them, or us who dealt with the sensory meltdowns or the rigidity and defiance everyday) . Aspergers came to mind, and while it still is just outside our bubble right now, anyone who knows complex or atypical ADHD, you know that they share many core symptoms and there is in the future a likeliness that the diagnosis can change.
So we did what many parents do, we fought with each other, I read every book, every natural remedy, I looked and looked for answers, and I cried and screamed and yelled, because only a horrible parent could not control her child, why did she throw things at me, and plug her ears and simply meltdown when she got wet unexpectedly?Why was she good for her Dad, and Grandma and Aunt, it had to be me. It was my fault (or so I thought) I found every reason to blame myself and question every single decision I made, I went on holidays so it was my fault, I ate to much bacon etc. The worst part was that I very rarely asked for help, very few people knew how hard it was, on both Jay and I. How anyone could not know, just looking at us? I know I can see the strain in our faces in old pictres, but when I look at pictures from our recent trip, I know we got through the hardest part (so far!) and we are good, and we still love each other a whole heck of a lot!
It was exhausting, and then we got the diagnosis, and it made sense, and it meant there could be some relief from the frustrations, and we could look how we parented her, how her brain works became a key part of knowing how to cope with her frustrations, and for someone as smart and as quirky as my girl, knowing when to let it go became very important ( all by BC BA pals, this is a key to family survival) Consistency, vitamins, a better diet, and yes medication have begun to make the world of difference. We are proud of her, we are proud of us, but it is hard. And every time we are reminded that she is quirky, or people forget that our life takes planning and patience, we crumble only a little and then get back at it. The slightest change no longer sets her into a spin, but transitions ( bigger ones like back to school ) or waiting and being disappointed, can set her off for days. So we have learned, that we don't tell her plans to far in advance, because it causes too much stress for her.
Honestly I am still sensitive to things she has overcome, to much food on her plate - she won't eat. Medication imbalances cause various behaviours to be more prodominent. To loud of noise, she doesn't handle well, or she will begin turning up all the sounds in the house. Like me, she is best when one on one, and small groups are okay but big events take a lot of work and can be tiring. ( this is a family trait - apple tree and all)
I get frustrated looks and comments sometimes from family and friends, and sometimes I need a push to make sure her rigidity does not become my own, but patience people. she has come leaps and bounds, and so have we..
When you haven't slept soundly for a few years, or at least through the night ( I hate night terrors and and night walking, and night time anxieties) and you always feel like someone is holding on to you,pushing on your hand, your face your body. It is not lack of wanting to cuddle your child , it is just wanting a minute to yourself. A lesson the gym gave me, that was way more valuable to my mental health then just my physical strength.
So why tell you all this, because I don't want parents to think they are alone. raising a child who is just "more" sensitive , "more" active, "more" defiant, "more" everything.. is hard and unless you do it every single day you have no idea. No one should be surprised by my need to keep this part of our life to myself, I too like my darling tend to keep stuff to myself until I explode. But we have changed our minds, we are not ashamed of ADHD, we are better parents because of it. ADHD still has many lessons for us to learn, and it time will the label change , maybe but that isn't so scary any more.
I have learned in this experience.. we make mistakes as parents, we say and do things that are dumb, and we will mess up our kids, the same way our parents messed us up, and their parents before them back to the beginning of time -- cause seriously you should not be punished for eating an apple!(Tee hee - just kidding God!)
I am not ashamed of her "label" , her label saved our family from falling apart, her "label" will be what helps us get the supports she needs, and remind us about what she needs from us, because like many of the great minds that came before hers - she has a simply wonderful ability to be creative , to read situtations and problems in a very different way then many others do.. I have not doubt she will rise to every occasion, and become the very best of who she wishes to be.. in the mean time we will make sure she doesn't get wet when she should be dry, deal with the "no's" and fears the very best we can, appreciate that she is different with some people and cope with the fall out of change of expectations between people.
Because the time will come when she will be be captivated by something, and the beauty of single minded determination will shine through and she may very well change the world.
When she is all grown up and all these difficulties are gone or rather managable on her own, it will be because she did the work, she tried her very best, and she had two parents who took a toy to the head one or ten times, and decided she was so very worth it. Because this part that once seemed so much a part of her, is really just a small part in her journey, and in who she is.. now she just spotted a bird with a blue tail so we are off to the Library .. a book about birds is in order.. gotta love a brilliant mind.
Emma is at the very core of who she is very loving, very sweet, very smart and very much loved. She was also a very , very , very good baby. And then she turned two , and all of a sudden this spitfire came out.. and she would have moments that were horrible, sensory explosions, avoidance of food and textures and sounds. (I still forget this sometimes now that we have seen some of benefits of all that work she as done, and head off to 3D movies..argh! ) The frustration would overwhelm her and she would lash out at the closest person or thing, at first it just seemed like assertiveness, and then it looked like bullying, now well now we understand the social awkwardness and the struggle to help her through it when it gets really tough for her. It does feel like fighting sometimes, and it is exhausting. Especially because when what everyone else caught glimpses of looked like we were easy parents who couldn't control our kids tantrums. AND everyone has advice for that!
Diagnosis young is key, we knew this, but it doesn't make you want to run out and get one, in fact in our case it meant we were going to fight "it" and each other (not knowing what "it" really was) and we were going to make "it" go away, because of course everyone said she is fine. (But of course not her teachers or all the kids who got a good bite out of them, or us who dealt with the sensory meltdowns or the rigidity and defiance everyday) . Aspergers came to mind, and while it still is just outside our bubble right now, anyone who knows complex or atypical ADHD, you know that they share many core symptoms and there is in the future a likeliness that the diagnosis can change.
So we did what many parents do, we fought with each other, I read every book, every natural remedy, I looked and looked for answers, and I cried and screamed and yelled, because only a horrible parent could not control her child, why did she throw things at me, and plug her ears and simply meltdown when she got wet unexpectedly?Why was she good for her Dad, and Grandma and Aunt, it had to be me. It was my fault (or so I thought) I found every reason to blame myself and question every single decision I made, I went on holidays so it was my fault, I ate to much bacon etc. The worst part was that I very rarely asked for help, very few people knew how hard it was, on both Jay and I. How anyone could not know, just looking at us? I know I can see the strain in our faces in old pictres, but when I look at pictures from our recent trip, I know we got through the hardest part (so far!) and we are good, and we still love each other a whole heck of a lot!
It was exhausting, and then we got the diagnosis, and it made sense, and it meant there could be some relief from the frustrations, and we could look how we parented her, how her brain works became a key part of knowing how to cope with her frustrations, and for someone as smart and as quirky as my girl, knowing when to let it go became very important ( all by BC BA pals, this is a key to family survival) Consistency, vitamins, a better diet, and yes medication have begun to make the world of difference. We are proud of her, we are proud of us, but it is hard. And every time we are reminded that she is quirky, or people forget that our life takes planning and patience, we crumble only a little and then get back at it. The slightest change no longer sets her into a spin, but transitions ( bigger ones like back to school ) or waiting and being disappointed, can set her off for days. So we have learned, that we don't tell her plans to far in advance, because it causes too much stress for her.
Honestly I am still sensitive to things she has overcome, to much food on her plate - she won't eat. Medication imbalances cause various behaviours to be more prodominent. To loud of noise, she doesn't handle well, or she will begin turning up all the sounds in the house. Like me, she is best when one on one, and small groups are okay but big events take a lot of work and can be tiring. ( this is a family trait - apple tree and all)
I get frustrated looks and comments sometimes from family and friends, and sometimes I need a push to make sure her rigidity does not become my own, but patience people. she has come leaps and bounds, and so have we..
When you haven't slept soundly for a few years, or at least through the night ( I hate night terrors and and night walking, and night time anxieties) and you always feel like someone is holding on to you,pushing on your hand, your face your body. It is not lack of wanting to cuddle your child , it is just wanting a minute to yourself. A lesson the gym gave me, that was way more valuable to my mental health then just my physical strength.
So why tell you all this, because I don't want parents to think they are alone. raising a child who is just "more" sensitive , "more" active, "more" defiant, "more" everything.. is hard and unless you do it every single day you have no idea. No one should be surprised by my need to keep this part of our life to myself, I too like my darling tend to keep stuff to myself until I explode. But we have changed our minds, we are not ashamed of ADHD, we are better parents because of it. ADHD still has many lessons for us to learn, and it time will the label change , maybe but that isn't so scary any more.
I have learned in this experience.. we make mistakes as parents, we say and do things that are dumb, and we will mess up our kids, the same way our parents messed us up, and their parents before them back to the beginning of time -- cause seriously you should not be punished for eating an apple!(Tee hee - just kidding God!)
I am not ashamed of her "label" , her label saved our family from falling apart, her "label" will be what helps us get the supports she needs, and remind us about what she needs from us, because like many of the great minds that came before hers - she has a simply wonderful ability to be creative , to read situtations and problems in a very different way then many others do.. I have not doubt she will rise to every occasion, and become the very best of who she wishes to be.. in the mean time we will make sure she doesn't get wet when she should be dry, deal with the "no's" and fears the very best we can, appreciate that she is different with some people and cope with the fall out of change of expectations between people.
Because the time will come when she will be be captivated by something, and the beauty of single minded determination will shine through and she may very well change the world.
When she is all grown up and all these difficulties are gone or rather managable on her own, it will be because she did the work, she tried her very best, and she had two parents who took a toy to the head one or ten times, and decided she was so very worth it. Because this part that once seemed so much a part of her, is really just a small part in her journey, and in who she is.. now she just spotted a bird with a blue tail so we are off to the Library .. a book about birds is in order.. gotta love a brilliant mind.
27.7.12
Forty the new thirty? I hope not!
I am not a person who wants to remain young forever, even if the number 40 was a hard pill to swallow. I have a romantic notion of life after 55 a life I will have to work for but one I cannot wait to explore, as you who read know my dreams include lots of travel, and of course my family.
I have no problem with how people make themselves feel better as they age. Plastic surgery, dieting, running or exercising(this is awesome by the way) or whatever it is that makes you feel the best that you can feel. Some do it for vanity, some do it to stay current in their work environment that is flooded with younger individuals, or work in an industry that not looking young is a sign its time to move on (think fashion), others do it because they fear what is on the other side of youthful looks. I know of 20 somethings that have already done some plumping, redefining and recreating of themselves thanks to their plastic surgeons, in an effort to ward off the getting older at a younger age.
Like in all aspects of life, you should not be judged by what makes you who you are.(by nature we do this, even if we say we don't) But for some, it is often more about what others think, or rather what we believe others think of how we look that forms our decisions on how we look at ourselves.
I have spent a lifetime on a diet, really not a way of life, not eating healthy but a diet. I have seen doctors and psychiatrists (only a few of you know this juicy bit) about food disorders and binging. I would night eat (3am) binge, (only a couple times did the purge occur)- thank god I don't do that anymore - been 9 years now. I would then do very strict diets ( which I can really follow well when motivated enough). Balance and food are not two things I have practiced well and to this day still require support on. To the point I am insulin resistant, and am trying to keep Type 2 diabetes at bay. Exercise and better choices have helped but more work is needed there. But years of damage on the YO-YO have caused lasting effects.
But I am tired of defining myself as always on a diet, the fat girl, the ugly girl. Do you know I still remember the teasing from junior public school? The jerk in high school who I had a crush on, who said I had thunder thighs. OF COURSE YOU DO, because you remember whatever experiences made you do what you do.
So in an effort to continue with a healthy brain space in the future, I am letting the voice of the little annoying junior school bully go, and the boy who called me thunder thighs. The work people who say harsh things, and the people on the street who have commented on my appearance, or threw eggs at me ( yup, nice eh! all the while calling me ugly fat F##K!- walking home 12 years old, and strangely enough at 23 on way home from work - really twice in a life time in two different neighbourhoods - this is humiliating to admit but the truth)
So does this mean no more diets, of course not I am just wired that way- what it does mean, I realized that everyone struggles with something, every one hurts, everyone loves, everyone is afraid of something. Books for children talk about Everyone is different, Everyone is the same.
Your story, while your very own is repeated in a hundred different ways all over the world. There is some beauty to that don't you think? To know that if you choose a life of solitude, that somewhere out in the world, someone else is doing the same thing?
So what does this have to do with forty being the new thirty?? At thirty I was trying to figure out who I was, how I fit into the world, my place among family and friends. At forty -- wait for it.. I know. I did a lot of work on myself during my thirties, I lived with the intention of improving my mind, my body and my soul.. and it worked. Yes i have demons, yes I have miles to go.. but forty the new thirty? I hope to hell not.. I like who I have become, I am a good person, I have a big heart, I love, I can let go, and I can celebrate that who I am the core of who I created is BEAUTIFUL just as I am.
I am as far away from 30 as I am to 50 -- I wonder what adventures await.
Melanie
I have no problem with how people make themselves feel better as they age. Plastic surgery, dieting, running or exercising(this is awesome by the way) or whatever it is that makes you feel the best that you can feel. Some do it for vanity, some do it to stay current in their work environment that is flooded with younger individuals, or work in an industry that not looking young is a sign its time to move on (think fashion), others do it because they fear what is on the other side of youthful looks. I know of 20 somethings that have already done some plumping, redefining and recreating of themselves thanks to their plastic surgeons, in an effort to ward off the getting older at a younger age.
Like in all aspects of life, you should not be judged by what makes you who you are.(by nature we do this, even if we say we don't) But for some, it is often more about what others think, or rather what we believe others think of how we look that forms our decisions on how we look at ourselves.
I have spent a lifetime on a diet, really not a way of life, not eating healthy but a diet. I have seen doctors and psychiatrists (only a few of you know this juicy bit) about food disorders and binging. I would night eat (3am) binge, (only a couple times did the purge occur)- thank god I don't do that anymore - been 9 years now. I would then do very strict diets ( which I can really follow well when motivated enough). Balance and food are not two things I have practiced well and to this day still require support on. To the point I am insulin resistant, and am trying to keep Type 2 diabetes at bay. Exercise and better choices have helped but more work is needed there. But years of damage on the YO-YO have caused lasting effects.
But I am tired of defining myself as always on a diet, the fat girl, the ugly girl. Do you know I still remember the teasing from junior public school? The jerk in high school who I had a crush on, who said I had thunder thighs. OF COURSE YOU DO, because you remember whatever experiences made you do what you do.
So in an effort to continue with a healthy brain space in the future, I am letting the voice of the little annoying junior school bully go, and the boy who called me thunder thighs. The work people who say harsh things, and the people on the street who have commented on my appearance, or threw eggs at me ( yup, nice eh! all the while calling me ugly fat F##K!- walking home 12 years old, and strangely enough at 23 on way home from work - really twice in a life time in two different neighbourhoods - this is humiliating to admit but the truth)
So does this mean no more diets, of course not I am just wired that way- what it does mean, I realized that everyone struggles with something, every one hurts, everyone loves, everyone is afraid of something. Books for children talk about Everyone is different, Everyone is the same.
Your story, while your very own is repeated in a hundred different ways all over the world. There is some beauty to that don't you think? To know that if you choose a life of solitude, that somewhere out in the world, someone else is doing the same thing?
So what does this have to do with forty being the new thirty?? At thirty I was trying to figure out who I was, how I fit into the world, my place among family and friends. At forty -- wait for it.. I know. I did a lot of work on myself during my thirties, I lived with the intention of improving my mind, my body and my soul.. and it worked. Yes i have demons, yes I have miles to go.. but forty the new thirty? I hope to hell not.. I like who I have become, I am a good person, I have a big heart, I love, I can let go, and I can celebrate that who I am the core of who I created is BEAUTIFUL just as I am.
I am as far away from 30 as I am to 50 -- I wonder what adventures await.
Melanie
10.7.12
The New Bucket List - the start
So every few years I create a bucket list, before the movie The Bucket List, I use to create a list of things I wanted to accompolish. Some 1990's self help said that was the way to make your dreams come true.
So in that fashion, here it is..
1. Go on a vacation with my family - all of them. Hopefully this one will come true this spring - it is a family goal now!
2. Have this pizza with my mom and sister and a side of greek salad at least once more = Post Corner Pizza in Clearwater Beach
2. Rome and Tuscany - ride a moped, and paint a picture
VIA Google
3. Spend a Summer -- Here with Jay and Emma, and anyone else who wants to join! - already saving the pennies!
VIA
4. Cook my way through a Jamie Oliver cookbook - such as this one
5. Buy a really good digital camera and do family pictures for all my family members.
6. Go on a Southern Plantation Tour with my Sister
7. Take a course in University completely different from anything I am doing now.
8. Ride a bike again , even on the scary streets of Toronto - with Helmet of course - start riding to work.
9. Let go of anything that drags me down, move on from hurts faster, and say goodbye to anything, anyone that does not bring mutually added value to each others lives. Life is too short.
10. Make Life about Living and doing - not waiting for it to happen -- take action when action is needed .
9.7.12
Little envelopes of love..thanks
Warning this is a long one!
Yesturday My family surprised me with the perfect birthday .. a day together. Good food at a charity Ribfest in Markham ( how awesome, that the proceeds of what we did went to a great charity). I watched my six and half year old, ZIPLINE!, my beautiful mom go on some crazy twirl a whirl, played water games with the big kids, and we all shared a family picnic under the tree's.. yup perfect day.
Once back at my sisters house, we sat a chatted some more, then the big bag of little white envelopes arrived. Yup 40 envelopes in all, each one containing a family memory of who I was, how I got from one to 40 years in the eyes of my family. It was beautiful. from the penny from 1972 that my niece had to dig around for and clean to represent coming into the world, to a drawing of a pool with fort Lauderdale written on it to represent my swimming years inside a pair of goggle, little pink socks for Emma, a mini camera for the love of photography, a pen for my words in blogs and more. Each envelope was a memory, that my family holds of me.. it was amazing. Happiness, Laughter, sadness, hardtimes and breath taking moments, captured in the minds of those you love and then shared back to you .. that is priceless.
This week I also had a couple of one on one best pal dates.. Sandra and Faiza.. yet again a gift of time with people I love, and generous hearts. I cannot say enough about how wonderful it is to have people in your life who give you there most valuable asset they have to give their time, laughter and memories.
I have a few more dates this week with a few more great pals, and will see some dear friends in the coming summer months. This to me is the perfect way to celebrate my birthday.. time with those I love. Next week a family trip to Vegas, and then my birthday celebration with Jay in New York is to follow..
The last 40 years seems only like the begining, yet, it has so many stops and starts, so many big and small moments, life changing and full of so much..
Time for a new bucket list , I will put some thought to that.. but in an effort to celebrate a positive start.. 40 things or moments I am greatful for from my life..
I am greatful for : (in no order )
1. A country start to life , nothing tops bare feet in the park and freedom to wonder safetly.
2. Snoopy Crayons for mittens - morning stocking exchange with my sister!
3. The moutains in Calgary, and Japser National park, and Frank
4. The blackberries in White rock along the rails during Sandcastle day
5. A bedroom canvas, the ability to paint my room into a work of swirls and bright colors I can't imagine that was an easy clean up dad!
6. The whales along the ferry rides up Canada's western coast
7. Victoria, Johnny (2 to 6) Jacquline, Debbie and Leanne and Denise ( 6-12) Angela S (14-18 ) Donny F (16- 18) Kelly (18-26) Angela W (24-28) Swampwenches (28 and beyond) Sandra (32 and beyond) Faiza ( 37 and beyond) -- There of course were other pals - But this group of friends each and everyone of them were at somepoint held was either my dearest pal, or in childhood my BFF. While for some our paths will never cross again, and others I will see in a few short hours.. these people whoever they grew up to be, mattered a whole heck of alot in my life.. and I am eternally greatful for each and everyone of you.
8. Lake Placid and mirror lake, rowing for hours, burning to blister for the love of the water.
9. Cooking Pizza with the owner of the pizza shop.. thinking I had figured out the throw.. I still make a mean pizza!
10. The dedicated push, and pressure to teach my dyslexic mind to read and write - thanks mom
11. Trent Univeristy and the summer journalism program my highschool sent me to -- for photography and layout design - my co editor took over in the end ( she did a great job) but it was fun!
12. Swimming, the pool and everything that has brought into my life
13. Forts - my childhood ones, and Emma's
14. Watching the Sunset over the montains in BC
15. Finding the Trilliums in Bancroft - thousands of them.
16. Summer Camp away with pals as a teenager..Awesome
17. David, Luke, Darren, Steve - the moments that took my breath away, and each and every lesson shared or learned
18. Jumping of the pier into the ocean at White Rock, and throwing back in the star fish from the rock breakwall with my step brother Stewart.
19. Disney through my eyes, and theirs
20. Jay - my heart , my love always - my broken road lead me straight to you. I am blessed and you gave me the most precious moment of my life.
21. Erasure Concerts - everywhere
22. Football - the love of watching it , and the quiet guy named Andre who made an evening out to the movies and dinner seem like a John Hughes film! -- I still smile.
23. Morning coffee in Tims Square alone just the two of us -- 6:30am thanksgiving weekend
24. London, Ireland, Sandra
25. Paris -- the joy the pure joy and the smell of crossiants
26. Crazy reonovation fears, and the fantastic Jenga blocks used to describe and make me feel better!
27. Lorriane House
28. FS -- my last direct care client -- awesome awesome awesome
29. Buffalo Shopping Trips, always more then just the thrill of the deal!
30. Shopping - the deals..LOL
31. Quiet moments on lake baptist . IGA cheese bread.
32. Kawartha Dairy Rocky Road Ice cream
33. Turkish Delight
34. The moment I finally was able to play the flute!
35. Stickers -- I loved them
36. Mexico - every moment
37. Watching my brave girl zipline at the fair
38. Little envelopes
39. Bouncing on the Trampoline
40 Dancing in the rain on the back porch with my little girl in our rainboots.
A wise lady (mom) once told me that life is about making memories.. I guess she did a good job, because my head is full of the pictures of the last forty years.. I have many wonderful memories of my family and our life, and I am very very greatful for them.. some very private and shared only with us. I want to share a few of them they will understand how very special they are..
1. Huricannes , thunderstorms in Florida white dresses and all
2. Snoppy and Mittens
3.Spicy Jamican Patties, for the first time
4.Curry Chicken -- any time!
5. Running from Flirty in circles
6. Swimming from Docks
7. JAWS and Guitars on christmas morning
8.Strawberries and Jam - and now sugar free
9. Knowing no matter what they are there, good or bad
10. The fact that I could fill a million points.. because there are so many great memories , many of them just for me.
now to start planning the next bucket list ... my first two are done!
Yesturday My family surprised me with the perfect birthday .. a day together. Good food at a charity Ribfest in Markham ( how awesome, that the proceeds of what we did went to a great charity). I watched my six and half year old, ZIPLINE!, my beautiful mom go on some crazy twirl a whirl, played water games with the big kids, and we all shared a family picnic under the tree's.. yup perfect day.
Once back at my sisters house, we sat a chatted some more, then the big bag of little white envelopes arrived. Yup 40 envelopes in all, each one containing a family memory of who I was, how I got from one to 40 years in the eyes of my family. It was beautiful. from the penny from 1972 that my niece had to dig around for and clean to represent coming into the world, to a drawing of a pool with fort Lauderdale written on it to represent my swimming years inside a pair of goggle, little pink socks for Emma, a mini camera for the love of photography, a pen for my words in blogs and more. Each envelope was a memory, that my family holds of me.. it was amazing. Happiness, Laughter, sadness, hardtimes and breath taking moments, captured in the minds of those you love and then shared back to you .. that is priceless.
This week I also had a couple of one on one best pal dates.. Sandra and Faiza.. yet again a gift of time with people I love, and generous hearts. I cannot say enough about how wonderful it is to have people in your life who give you there most valuable asset they have to give their time, laughter and memories.
I have a few more dates this week with a few more great pals, and will see some dear friends in the coming summer months. This to me is the perfect way to celebrate my birthday.. time with those I love. Next week a family trip to Vegas, and then my birthday celebration with Jay in New York is to follow..
The last 40 years seems only like the begining, yet, it has so many stops and starts, so many big and small moments, life changing and full of so much..
Time for a new bucket list , I will put some thought to that.. but in an effort to celebrate a positive start.. 40 things or moments I am greatful for from my life..
I am greatful for : (in no order )
1. A country start to life , nothing tops bare feet in the park and freedom to wonder safetly.
2. Snoopy Crayons for mittens - morning stocking exchange with my sister!
3. The moutains in Calgary, and Japser National park, and Frank
4. The blackberries in White rock along the rails during Sandcastle day
5. A bedroom canvas, the ability to paint my room into a work of swirls and bright colors I can't imagine that was an easy clean up dad!
6. The whales along the ferry rides up Canada's western coast
7. Victoria, Johnny (2 to 6) Jacquline, Debbie and Leanne and Denise ( 6-12) Angela S (14-18 ) Donny F (16- 18) Kelly (18-26) Angela W (24-28) Swampwenches (28 and beyond) Sandra (32 and beyond) Faiza ( 37 and beyond) -- There of course were other pals - But this group of friends each and everyone of them were at somepoint held was either my dearest pal, or in childhood my BFF. While for some our paths will never cross again, and others I will see in a few short hours.. these people whoever they grew up to be, mattered a whole heck of alot in my life.. and I am eternally greatful for each and everyone of you.
8. Lake Placid and mirror lake, rowing for hours, burning to blister for the love of the water.
9. Cooking Pizza with the owner of the pizza shop.. thinking I had figured out the throw.. I still make a mean pizza!
10. The dedicated push, and pressure to teach my dyslexic mind to read and write - thanks mom
11. Trent Univeristy and the summer journalism program my highschool sent me to -- for photography and layout design - my co editor took over in the end ( she did a great job) but it was fun!
12. Swimming, the pool and everything that has brought into my life
13. Forts - my childhood ones, and Emma's
14. Watching the Sunset over the montains in BC
15. Finding the Trilliums in Bancroft - thousands of them.
16. Summer Camp away with pals as a teenager..Awesome
17. David, Luke, Darren, Steve - the moments that took my breath away, and each and every lesson shared or learned
18. Jumping of the pier into the ocean at White Rock, and throwing back in the star fish from the rock breakwall with my step brother Stewart.
19. Disney through my eyes, and theirs
20. Jay - my heart , my love always - my broken road lead me straight to you. I am blessed and you gave me the most precious moment of my life.
21. Erasure Concerts - everywhere
22. Football - the love of watching it , and the quiet guy named Andre who made an evening out to the movies and dinner seem like a John Hughes film! -- I still smile.
23. Morning coffee in Tims Square alone just the two of us -- 6:30am thanksgiving weekend
24. London, Ireland, Sandra
25. Paris -- the joy the pure joy and the smell of crossiants
26. Crazy reonovation fears, and the fantastic Jenga blocks used to describe and make me feel better!
27. Lorriane House
28. FS -- my last direct care client -- awesome awesome awesome
29. Buffalo Shopping Trips, always more then just the thrill of the deal!
30. Shopping - the deals..LOL
31. Quiet moments on lake baptist . IGA cheese bread.
32. Kawartha Dairy Rocky Road Ice cream
33. Turkish Delight
34. The moment I finally was able to play the flute!
35. Stickers -- I loved them
36. Mexico - every moment
37. Watching my brave girl zipline at the fair
38. Little envelopes
39. Bouncing on the Trampoline
40 Dancing in the rain on the back porch with my little girl in our rainboots.
A wise lady (mom) once told me that life is about making memories.. I guess she did a good job, because my head is full of the pictures of the last forty years.. I have many wonderful memories of my family and our life, and I am very very greatful for them.. some very private and shared only with us. I want to share a few of them they will understand how very special they are..
1. Huricannes , thunderstorms in Florida white dresses and all
2. Snoppy and Mittens
3.Spicy Jamican Patties, for the first time
4.Curry Chicken -- any time!
5. Running from Flirty in circles
6. Swimming from Docks
7. JAWS and Guitars on christmas morning
8.Strawberries and Jam - and now sugar free
9. Knowing no matter what they are there, good or bad
10. The fact that I could fill a million points.. because there are so many great memories , many of them just for me.
now to start planning the next bucket list ... my first two are done!
27.6.12
Dear Melanie
Dear Melanie
What a ride it has been, long ago you could not imagine 40, now with just a couple of weeks away you are beginning to think, heck bring it on -- 50 looks pretty swinging these days. Get over it, you are not old.. you are just starting to figure a few things out, and more questions and puzzles will keep you hopping!
But there are a few things I would tell like to tell you (me..LOL this is odd writing to myself but hey, indulge me)
To my 15 year old self, dear lord you were brave.. where did you go? The energy was boundless, the heart full of love.. and man are you boy crazy! Try and stay away from him ... well what the heck he is super fun a bad boy and lots of fun.. by 17 you will begin to get over it all!
To 18 year old me, it was a hard choice to let his spirit go.. you did make the right choice and it will get easier and life will soon start to make sense.
To 19 year old me... slow down!! don't rush, don't jump into being all grown up! Stop, play and have fun! PSST you also will meet the father of your child for one brief second, 10 years before you see him again..pay attention!! He is kind of cute ( in your mind picture without the super long ringlets!) and he is trying to get your attention.-- what a different world that would have been?????
To 26 year old me.. you should have said no, you should have listened to your heart, your sister and said goodbye..your lesson did not have to be so hard... and don't waste 17 thousand dollars on one day! - but if you do -- good lord the dress does not need 1000 pearls and your hair does not need to be that high! ( credit here - it was a GREAT day.. there was a reason it tookso long before happening you should have thought it through girl! )
To 28 year old you..wow where did you pull that strength from? I promise you.. in a years time , a year of heartache, a year of Art, a year of photography, and a year of tears.. you do begin to breath, you do begin to see the world through your own eyes, and wow you travel, and you begin to heal... really heal and learn that life is just beginning for you..and your friendship style changes, you will change everything about who you were and start to become who you are.. it is hard and i promise every one of those tears is worth it!..and keep saying what your wise friend told you..everyone comes into your life for reason, some stay and some go..
To 29 year old me... what!! who are you??? Wow go for it, change your life.. it gets even better! and pay attention he is asking you out and you are not even aware dumb ass!... sigh..good thing he keeps at it.. ignore the other one.. pay attention!! he asked you out again!! yup your clueless!
To 30 year old me.. thank goodness you seem to be getting it now..going to be clear sailing for a little while. But you smoke way to much! Stop it!
To 31 year old me -- don't worry so much, he will show up..and laugh at you for worrying.. head up girl your good, life is good.. but enjoy it a bit more, relax -- if you can.
To 33 year old me ... your a mom , relax a little enjoy the year don't rush back to work dumb ass! pay attention to everything you will blink, and she will be grown up.
To 35 year old me.. see you made a good choice a week in Paris surprise, see what happens when you make good choices! but go to the top of the Eiffel tower silly girl, don't be so afraid! Good for you you quit smoking, but don't pig out!! sigh now that is a goal for 40!
To 39 year old me...you worried about nothing, you need to relax. 40 is the new thirty..so take your own advice, Live Love and Laugh another 40 years and bitch about being old when you have earned it!
Hello 40, looking forward to the travel, the friends, the kid, the best hubby and the adventure that awaits..I am so over the old shit!
Melanie almost forty and planning on celebrating it the whole year long!
What a ride it has been, long ago you could not imagine 40, now with just a couple of weeks away you are beginning to think, heck bring it on -- 50 looks pretty swinging these days. Get over it, you are not old.. you are just starting to figure a few things out, and more questions and puzzles will keep you hopping!
But there are a few things I would tell like to tell you (me..LOL this is odd writing to myself but hey, indulge me)
To my 15 year old self, dear lord you were brave.. where did you go? The energy was boundless, the heart full of love.. and man are you boy crazy! Try and stay away from him ... well what the heck he is super fun a bad boy and lots of fun.. by 17 you will begin to get over it all!
To 18 year old me, it was a hard choice to let his spirit go.. you did make the right choice and it will get easier and life will soon start to make sense.
To 19 year old me... slow down!! don't rush, don't jump into being all grown up! Stop, play and have fun! PSST you also will meet the father of your child for one brief second, 10 years before you see him again..pay attention!! He is kind of cute ( in your mind picture without the super long ringlets!) and he is trying to get your attention.-- what a different world that would have been?????
To 26 year old me.. you should have said no, you should have listened to your heart, your sister and said goodbye..your lesson did not have to be so hard... and don't waste 17 thousand dollars on one day! - but if you do -- good lord the dress does not need 1000 pearls and your hair does not need to be that high! ( credit here - it was a GREAT day.. there was a reason it tookso long before happening you should have thought it through girl! )
To 28 year old you..wow where did you pull that strength from? I promise you.. in a years time , a year of heartache, a year of Art, a year of photography, and a year of tears.. you do begin to breath, you do begin to see the world through your own eyes, and wow you travel, and you begin to heal... really heal and learn that life is just beginning for you..and your friendship style changes, you will change everything about who you were and start to become who you are.. it is hard and i promise every one of those tears is worth it!..and keep saying what your wise friend told you..everyone comes into your life for reason, some stay and some go..
To 29 year old me... what!! who are you??? Wow go for it, change your life.. it gets even better! and pay attention he is asking you out and you are not even aware dumb ass!... sigh..good thing he keeps at it.. ignore the other one.. pay attention!! he asked you out again!! yup your clueless!
To 30 year old me.. thank goodness you seem to be getting it now..going to be clear sailing for a little while. But you smoke way to much! Stop it!
To 31 year old me -- don't worry so much, he will show up..and laugh at you for worrying.. head up girl your good, life is good.. but enjoy it a bit more, relax -- if you can.
To 33 year old me ... your a mom , relax a little enjoy the year don't rush back to work dumb ass! pay attention to everything you will blink, and she will be grown up.
To 35 year old me.. see you made a good choice a week in Paris surprise, see what happens when you make good choices! but go to the top of the Eiffel tower silly girl, don't be so afraid! Good for you you quit smoking, but don't pig out!! sigh now that is a goal for 40!
To 39 year old me...you worried about nothing, you need to relax. 40 is the new thirty..so take your own advice, Live Love and Laugh another 40 years and bitch about being old when you have earned it!
Hello 40, looking forward to the travel, the friends, the kid, the best hubby and the adventure that awaits..I am so over the old shit!
Melanie almost forty and planning on celebrating it the whole year long!
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