Forty the new thirty? I hope not!

I am not a person who wants to remain young forever, even if the number 40 was a hard pill to swallow.  I have a romantic notion of life after 55 a life I will have to work for but one I cannot wait to explore, as you who read know my dreams include lots of travel, and of course my family.

I have no problem with how people make themselves feel better as they age. Plastic surgery, dieting, running or exercising(this is awesome by the way)  or whatever it is that makes you feel the best that you can feel. Some do it for vanity, some do it to stay current in their work environment that is  flooded with younger individuals, or work in an industry that not looking young is a sign its time to move on (think fashion), others do it because they fear what is on the other side of youthful looks. I know of 20 somethings that have already done some plumping, redefining and recreating of themselves thanks to their  plastic surgeons, in an effort to ward off the getting older at a younger age.

Like in all aspects of life,  you should not be judged by what makes you who you are.(by nature we do this, even if we say we don't)  But for some,  it is often more about what others think, or rather what we believe others think of how we look that forms our decisions on how we look at ourselves.

I have spent a lifetime on a diet, really not a way of life, not eating healthy but a diet. I have seen doctors and psychiatrists (only a few of you know this juicy bit) about food disorders and binging. I would night eat (3am) binge, (only a couple times did the purge occur)- thank god I don't do that anymore - been 9 years now. I would then do very strict diets ( which I can really follow well when motivated enough). Balance and food are not two things I have practiced well and to this day still require support on. To the point I am insulin resistant, and am trying to keep Type 2 diabetes at bay. Exercise and better  choices have helped but more work is needed there. But years of damage on the YO-YO have caused lasting effects.

But I am tired of defining myself as always on a diet, the fat girl, the ugly girl. Do you know I still remember the teasing from junior public school? The jerk in high school who I had a crush on, who said I had thunder thighs. OF COURSE YOU DO, because you remember whatever experiences made you do what you do.

So in an effort to continue with a healthy  brain space in the future, I am letting the voice of the little annoying junior school bully go, and the boy who called me thunder thighs. The work people who say harsh things, and the people on the street who have commented on my appearance, or threw eggs at me ( yup, nice eh! all the while calling me ugly fat F##K!- walking home 12 years old, and strangely enough at 23 on way home from work - really twice in a life time in two different neighbourhoods - this is humiliating to admit but the truth)

So does this mean no more diets, of course not I am just wired that way- what it does mean, I realized that everyone struggles with something, every one hurts, everyone loves, everyone is afraid of something. Books for children talk about Everyone is different, Everyone is the same.

Your story, while your very own is repeated in a hundred different ways all over the world. There is some beauty to that don't you think? To know that if you choose a life of solitude, that somewhere out in the world, someone else is doing the same thing? 

So what does this have to do with forty being the new thirty?? At thirty I was trying to figure out who I was, how I fit into the world, my place among family and friends. At forty -- wait for it.. I know. I did a lot of work on myself during my thirties, I lived with the intention of improving my mind, my body and my soul.. and it worked. Yes i have demons, yes I have miles to go.. but forty the new thirty? I hope to hell not.. I like who I have become, I am a good person, I have a big heart, I love, I can let go, and I can celebrate that who I am the core of who I created is BEAUTIFUL just as I am.

I am as far away from 30 as I am to 50 -- I wonder what adventures await.

Melanie