The have and have not ... kids that is

Yesterday I spoke very briefly with a pal about the have and have not mind set of people.. not about money but of those with and those without kids. I find this topic amusing as I have been an adult on both sides of the coin. Having not had my darling girl until I was 34 years old, I was for a period of time in adulthood very happy in the world of no children. I will not lie I miss the lazy sunday morning walks with jay, and coffee and newspaper reading in the park.  i was and I am firmly planted in the belief  that if you have or do not have children is does not define who you are as a woman/man. Having said that there does exist the silent battle between the two in work and in life.

Parenting can be very beautiful.. in glossy magazines and really well shot Ralph Lauren Advertisments ( I was addicted to his advertising campagin in the 1980's.) It can also be wonderful, heartbreaking, messy, joyful, tickly and a pain in the ass. It will be different for each and every parent. In reality parenting in todays world, has it's own set of have and have nots -- including what is the right stroller, the right biscuit and the right way to parent, or not parent..parenting can (but does not need to be) a really big wake up call to how materialistic our way of life has become.. but that is a differnt blog.

Life without children can be very beautiful but it can also be painful (for those who want children but cannot have them), adventourous,joyful, amazing, lonely, fulfilling and a down right pain in the ass. The precieved and sometimes very true aspects of being judged for not having children, or god forbid not wanting children, can be tiresome at minimum a constant battle with family members not at worst because I am sure there is something worse then this. But my point is simple what we think we know (myself included) about the life of the other is just that ..something we think we know.

I have friends who sit in both camps, with a variety of feelings and thoughts on the this -- those that want kids and cannot concieve, friends who have been clear since they could talk they never wanted to be parents. And those who are single moms/dads who fight a battle each day just to make ends meet and those who face the challenge of parenting alone because they have loss the other parent to illness or accident. I also have friends who are stay a home moms who battle there own.

So here is what I want to share

To the haves..

Our kids are amazing, but we were are too - and our friends want to see us with and without our kids. We can and do somthimes "dump" the childless friends because our common bonds with those with children can be strengthened with common experiences, be prepared you may be dumped too.. so pay attention to your pals. 

The the have nots..

We are changing, our life does now especially in the early years revolve around the colour of poop, the memory of what sleep once was and the entire world for sometime will revolve around a tiny human that requries our love and attention to live. we haven't just forgotten you, we have created a bubble to protect, we will emerge be patient and keep asking us , push us to participate in life outside the world of parenting.

To the haves..

Your work is your work, you know you have responsiblities to your companies and employers, but you also have accountablity to your teams.. no work does not come first for all, but everytime we say "I had to.. because of the kids (true or not) it can grate on the nerves of the have not, your commitment is your commitment. you get paid they get paid, you are part of team , be present.

To the have nots..

Be aware, especially at work. You have no clue what is going on at home and that is fine. But we are responsible for a human life and if the world crumbles around them it crumbles around us. Schools call, disabilities arise , plays, childcare, extra bills -- yes we took this on.. but half or more of us had no clue to the deep level of commitment -- and really most of us do want to be present at work, but we have to accomdate once in awhile. Your ability to stay late, come in early, earn extra degrees - and pretty much do lots that not all of us have the luxury to do.. well some of us we know that that is on hold ..for now.

Balance -- a fine state we all struggle with but one that means lots of give and take on both sides.. I see it in many of my collegues and friends.. for others like me it is a constant battle between finding and losing balance.. but life is good with and without kids, even better when your life includes a mixture of both, your friends and?or  your friends kids.

More later off to make sure the kid gets to school in decent shape and to appear like my hair is brushed!
M