Who the Hell do I think I am????

Quick to Judge, emotional reactivity and who the hell do I think I am? This past year I have made it my goal to chill out a little. I know sounds weird but I have been working on these my not so pleasant traits, right acorss all aspects of my life, parenting, work and relationships. I still have a ways to go, but gains have been made. Especially on reactivity!

I wonder as we all go through life, if as we age, we learn different things about ourselves, we either choose to ignore or we explore personality traits, refine and work on what we see as our short comings. I have been a reflective person for about the last 15 years or so , I think about my own actions and why I do or don't do something, others reactions, why they do or don't do something or behave in a certain way. - in fact sometimes I wish I was someone who didn't, but I do -- so I  have begun to try and use this habit of analyzing my own behaviour and thoughts to learn more about myself.

Judgement - for a few years there, I got lost in Perez Hilton, gossip magazines, and negative gossip habits, I also judged the behaviour of others  ( without knowing full stories, even when they were not for me to know!)  - then I woke up one day and realized I was filling my day with negativity and nonsense - what does it matter to me what someone wears, when they wear it, who goes out with who etc.Why someone got a job I thought they didn't deserve. Then I turned it off the best I could and It was a good switch in perspective for me, I have come to realize I judge those who are most like me the harshest ( as they have traits that may mirror ones in myself I don't like) and make snap opinons, or worse let someone else's judgment affect my own. So for the past few months, I have made a conscious effort to stop, slowdown or evaluate why I am doing certain things and what purpose it serves in my life.

I let go of the Queen of all gossip, ( well at least down to once every couple of months just to see who is all the rage! - I do have a 12 year old niece and i should know who or what a Jonas is!) I stopped connecting daily with people who were negative - this was hard for me, because I let go of toxic friendships ( you know the kind) and released old precieved hurts the best I could. I also tried and have for the most part begun to succeed at letting go of materialistic trappings ( this will not completly ever go away but I am good with where I am with this), I got rid of unnnecessairy things, cleaned out my closet ( this appears to also calm my spirit, gave some purses away and cleaned out my friends list.

I think a major part of this learning experience has been coming to terms with the judgement of others, percieved judgment about who I am, etc.  I realized that I did not feel confident that I measure up as a human being well, when compared to others ( even when my rational mind realizes this is not right and in fact makes very little sense) so an internal switch would turn over and judgmental me would emerge - never overly harsh but still who the hell am I to judge anyone else. I can make observations, I can reflect - but in the end just like me they are they ones who must live their lives and deal with the consequences as they are dealt.  Self worth is a very interesting thing, each of us determine it at a young age, but only as I have matured and come into my own adulthood, do I realize that I must figure my shit out not to pass along the worse with the best of who I am to my child.

Some people are so good at not caring or even not reacting to the judgement of others - yet I am accutely aware of it. The difference being I now control my reaction to it, and try my best to not impose my judgement or negative thoughts on someone else.

Reactivity - Ah to act before I think, much like words on a paper that appear incomplete, my thoughts are so often much farther ahead then what I am getting out, written or verbally. This at times has gotten me into hot water! Emotionally reactive to some situtations, I can responds to an imagined intent rather then the real one! but I have come leaps and bounds in this area. Still quick to respond internally, but now I relect a little bit more on those topics that can push my buttons! I have learned this in parenting, in life and finally at work - oh I slip up now and again -- but life is so much better -when you think before you speak or do!

Who  the hell do I think I am ? -- Not perfect, but perfectly okay with me. a small lesson on self acceptance -- Done --  not bad -- did it before 40..  now on to the next lesson -- you didn't think that would be it did you?????

Next challenge -- making it through the holiday season not gaining the 10 pounds I have lost! -- but I have a new weapon against the fight of the shortbread addiction - the gym!!

Happy Decking of the Halls to those who are preparing to celebrate Christmas, and to those who do not... I wish you a very happy winter break!