Lost in you own story

Have you ever felt lost?  Detached or like you are watching your life go by without really truly participating in it? This happens to me, and has my entire life. It can last hours, days or months. I am neither sad or depressed, just there.  I took this week off , knowing that I was going to work through a few of the things I need to clear out and bring into my life. (Mentally and literally - simplification)

I think we all carry "stuff" in our lives. Be it the need to please others, or the ability to see the good and joy in this world. I think we as human beings, can advocate or defend  our own behaviours no matter the issue.  I think this is just a part of being human. a person I respect and love once said to me  "remember you are the biggest re-teller of your own story"

At first I just accepted what she said, but as time went by I really reflected on that and what it could mean. And I realized it meant so much. I could keep living in the past by telling my own story in my head over and over. I could relive painful moments again and or again, I could re-live all the happy times in my life.I am ultimately my own historian, and no one can tell my story as true or as false as I could.

We re-tell our stories, to ourselves and others. For thousands of different reasons. But we do it because we ultimately get something from it. Which I think was my friends point, as she is one of the most profoundly   self aware people I know.

I find great joy and passion in what I do for a living, I would not be still doing it 25 years later if I did not. I love and cherish my family. My daughter and husband bring me great joy.  But the thing I miss and have "forgotten" about myself is my love of art, self reflection and general need for calm and quiet in my soul. Those detached moments, were once filled instead with observation , quiet and peace, and somewhere along the line they turned into something else, my priorities got jumbled, and I started telling a different story about me.

i do not believe the "I am to busy for ..." Line, I think you make time for what you want to make time for.  Those times I felt like I was just going through the motions in life was also those times I was not finding a creative moment., or I was lost in a complicated or unpleasant moment in my own story. but it was my choice to be detached, it is not a pretty coping method in life, but it is dis functionally all  mine :)  and one, I am actively going to end the chapter on.

 I may not always be a critical thinker, I may not always be as aware and self  reflective as I should be, and times when I need to switch off will happen,  but I will no longer feel lost in my own life either. Because as the same wise friend once said .. I have that choice.

M