I have never been one to hide my age, in fact for a few years there I thought I was older then I was. Which apparently caused one of my friends, born a month later then I to think she too was older as well! The mid thirties are ending, and apparently the brain fog is lifting.. I am in a matter of weeks headed into the year before I will leave behind my thirties and officially begin middle age (I can't even imagine 80 right now, but it does not seem as old as it once did!) With 39 years just around the corner I stopped and thought.. wow it sure flies by so fast.
I think back 10 years, and chuckle.. the intensity of everything, the drive , and the perspective, the hurt and loss and the what ifs.. all just slightly more important back then , then it is now. There has been this shift in my perspective, the desire to want different things, a focus on life in just a little bit of a different way. The need for approval was much more intense 10 years ago, now while I still care what others think more then I should. I don't crave the approval I use to professionally and personally. I wish we got to come into this world with the things we learn later in life, yet I know it is the living that makes us appreciate life.
My thirties have been really the part of my life that reflected a shift in the dreams I had earlier in adulthood, moving away from a life that I no longer recognize as mine, to finding my love in Jay and creating a world with him that is so different then where I thought I would be. In my thirties I began to experience life in such a different way. I also became a mom - which no amount of "knowing" can explain how it feels until it happens. Living a life that is not "all bout me" is rewarding, frustrating, and teaching me something new everyday.
As I head towards forty, I no longer expect great revelations about myself .. I know the core of who I am, I know what I bring into the world and what I take from it. I have some great qualities, some crappy ones, but finally a self acceptance of those things seems to have come into place. I can thank my thirties for that.. and thank god that it is almost done..
I hear the 40's you finally get to have fun and live the good life..LOL! I have some pretty awesome role models in that age group and let me tell you I am gearing up for the time of my life!
The list of the Thirties, with one year to go...
- found love when I thought it wasn't possible again
- discovered I really hate camping, but loved 4 women enough to sit in a swamp
- Travelled to dream destinations, and discovered I have a love of all things city
- found some peace with old hurts and issues
- created a home
- discovered that motherhood was something I did want
- became a mom
- realized that titles and recognition aren't nearly as important as the helping and supporting
- wondered what the hell was I thinking, parenting is hard.. but so worth it
- became a better family member
- began to see the world through my camera once again
- explored different perspectives instead of being so rigid all the time ( okay this will always be a part of me!)
- my art is appreciated enough that it made money, before I was dead!
- I can't change what others think about me
- Life is more fun if you live it with your intentions open to the world to see
- let go of some of the "rules" that bind me, often self imposed!
- found new friends, said goodbye to others
-discovered the true meaning of friendship, but also realized it is a gift we give to only a select few as some are just passing through
- discovered I love Thai food ( along with half of Canada I think)
- realized that exercise is a good thing
- life is better with family in it
- balance takes work
- You are as you project -- the world sees what you let them.
- You only know a small part of any one person
- you cannot measure yourself against anyone else -- I am perfect just as I am.
Melanie
Jay saw this and thought I would like it.. it made me cry .. because not unlike so many others it took me a long time to get over shit.. and the realization that passing on my crap was not an option. Some of us have to learn confidence and self respect .. it isn't easy but getting there taught me so much. I envied and at times still do, people who have this innate sense of self worth. But for many struggling to overcome life's hurt, perceived feelings of not being good enough or smart enough -- make developing self worth an amazing thing. Finding my spirit and inner strength was something I did in my thirties..
My forties are a blank canvas.. and I have a year to get my paint brush ready!
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