Those of you who know me, know I have a what I silently refer to as a "Santa" tummy - it jiggles when I laugh and is defiantly where I carry a good part of the extra extra weight. Though I have got it lots of other places too!
Living plus size has defined a part of me for a long time, one that friends can associate me with, (knowingly or unknowingly) a part of who I am that boyfriends and husbands have been drawn too. Never the skinny girl, once upon a time a very strong athlete but still bigger then most girls my age ( I know now, what I did not know then - my hips and boobs and butt where developed earlier then many of my "friends" and therefore the cruel comments were carefully and cruelly aimed right at me!) By fifteen I considered myself very fat ( in fact I was not) by 19 I hated my body, by 25 I was pairnod about my body image and gaining weight for fear of losing my partner, by 28 had loss that partner and lots of weight to stress -- fell in love,gained weight, loss weight, got married, bought a house , got pregnant - gained a TON of weight and water, loss weight felt fairly decent, quit smoking and gained weight -- do you see a defining picture here?
I can measure moments of my life, just as easily as measuring my own weight, what a horrific way to define yourself, even the smallest part of myself selfworth should have nothing to do with it, yet it does.
Last week, I made a change, I joined the gym - and it felt good - real and connected and for me. I have gone everyday this week - working up to doing 30 minutes on the cross trainer for cardio. I have met a couple of wonderful women, I attend with a fantastic motivational friend. And I feel like this time - it is for me - not to define me, but to help me shape my health and heal the final battle of the buldge. I am never going to be the girl who wears a size zero - I am good with that my curves even under the extra padding won't allow that.. I am going to be as strong as I can be, as curvy as I want and if along the way my Santa belly becomes a smaller jiggle that is good enough for me..
I am tired, tired of being an image of myself that I don't understand, or hide behind. I am tired of trying to fit into an image I created that no longer matches who I am. In oh so many way -- so I am stepping back from caring and doing for others all the time and taking time to heal me a bit! Physically and mentally :)
I am proud of myself so far... I will keep you updated.
Melanie
2 comments:
I'm proud of you too! We live in a society that has been subtly (and not-so-subtly)teaching us to define ourselves by our size and appearance since we were tiny little girls. It's time we all started consciously defining ourselves by how healthy we feel, how much we laugh, all the good we do, who we love--and all the other stuff that actually MATTERS!! I don't think anyone lays on their death bed wishing they'd fit into that size zero bikini, but I bet a lot of people lay there wishing they hadn't wasted so much precious time and energy trying to!
Hear that? It's the sound of me cheering you on all the way from Manitoba! You go girl!
@knitwit -- thanks so much, very much appreciated! cheer on and cheer loud -- I can hear you :)
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